Just another New Year’s Blog

First things first; Wishing you all a very Happy New Year. I’ve always wondered what is it about this date that makes people so wild. This is the single most celebrated day all around the world. I am sure it’s not just about Earth successfully completing its orbit around the sun. So, what does this one day represent to the world that no other day can?
 
A: Reforming Sluts
 
People in this category are under the impression that just because the earth finished its orbit they have been washed of their past! For these people, I have one thing to say; karma is a bitch. My guess is, if you were a prick the whole of last year [or the years before that] you are not going to change in one day. And if you really want to change you can pick any date to do it; what is it with syncing your calendar with Earth’s?
 
B: Late Bloomers
 
Here, we will find people who have been conned by the Category A. Obviously sad and downtrodden, it makes sense that they presume ‘new’ years magically teleports them to a different era where the evil doers don’t exist. My sympathies to you folks. 
 
C: Couch Potatoes
 
Most women and men who have sat on their asses all year think that this magical day is going to some how help them retrieve their dormant athletic avatar. It’s as if, your body would change its metabolism just because a calendar year is over. Again, if the couch seemed like a good option the whole of last year, you probably won’t move towards the treadmill anytime soon. 
 
D: Doomsday Preppers
 
Increasing in alarming numbers, these folks, they prepare all year long, forwarding hoaxes about the end of the world, prepping for emergency drills and also annoying their close ones to do the same. My dear delusional do-gooders, if the earth has been changing for over millions of years, you packing an emergency fanny bag is futile.
 
E: Undercover Alcoholics/Arsonists/Rapists or Groupies
 
Hats off to these people. They have indeed found an ingenious way to hide their addiction and play it cool. They feel they deserve to act like the world is their Father’s Kingdom (read Baap ka Raj); because Earth took their permission before completing its orbit!
 
F: Hopeless Romantics
 
Either in the pretext of meeting the ‘one’, or having an excuse to taking the ‘one’ out on a date, they will turn the world upside down trying to find passes to a fancy dance club. I request these people to please join theCategory D; you both could benefit from each other. 
 
G: Procrastinators 
 
Actually, I belong to this category. It’s a miracle I finished this blog so early into the year! 
 
Merry Christmas, Oops… Happy New Year!!! Have a good one and be wary of falling into the categorical crap!
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In my short life, I have been chased by a wild duck, stamped on a vengeful bumblebee (barefoot), gnawed by a insolent cat for feeding it, nudged by a cow towards a charging two-wheeler, and not to mention dogs treat me as their chew toy. Life is short. So go ahead and enjoy my satirical analogies, quirky theories, sagacious epiphanies and mind-blowing artwork before I meet my untimely death caused by a cockroach.

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Posted in Satirical Analogy, Verbal Rantings

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